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January 19, 2006
Eschewing Sequins and Other Fashion Pleas
Dear American female shopper,
It is January. You may have noticed that spring and summer collections are beginning to creep onto the shelves and racks of your favorite retailers. You may have seen the glossy fashion magazines next to the check out at Wal-Mart and skimmed through their lists of "New Spring Trends For 2006." This is all good and well. After all, remaining publically clothed is generally considered the wisest course of action, and it is less painful for all involved if said garments do not obscenely scream, "I was very fashionable thirty years ago!"
But, I must admit that I am concerned.
I want you to be careful, dear shopper, when you enter stores this spring. The force of fashion is a powerful one to reckon with. She has a nasty streak, and she is not above proclaiming something to be tasteful when, in fact, history has already proven otherwise. So she keeps, for another season, these inexplicable garments on shelves and runways, hoping to lure you.
Beware of the tiered skirt that falls uncomfortably between knee and ankle. The crinkles, the awkward length, the ungainly fabrics and patterns...all resurrect painful images of being a homeschooler in the early 90's.
Turn your eyes away from the oversized golden handbag. No one is exactly sure what strange substance it is actually made of, plus it commits the further unpardonable sin of festooning itself with tassles and metallic chain.
While you're at it, eschew the Victorian lace-up boots that have again been deemed romantic and feminine. Not only will you waste valuable time each morning roping yourself into this contraption, but you may also feel the need to adopt the accent of a British governess and take tea at 4.
Most crocheted items, too, might be best left in our past. A crocheted shrug is really little more than a creepy embrace from a slinky version of that afghan your grandmother made for you.
Finally, dear shopper, repeat after me: I will not be addicted to sequins. You do not need to look like you are becoming a mermaid, you do not need glowing, glittering shoulders, and you definitely need not feel under compulsion to fashion your purse after a prism.
Now, intrepid shopper, walk into those houses of merchandise informed and equipped. Peer, unmoved, over your aviator glasses, turn smartly away in your ballerina flats, and be free.
Carefully Dramatized Life Accounts | By elissa | 02:05 PM
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Comments
all I can say is, those are some scary sequins. Run away, run away!
Posted by: hannah s. at January 20, 2006 08:35 PM
Preach it, sister! Whoever makes up these fashion trends, anyway?
I agree with the last comment. Run away!!!
Posted by: becky at January 22, 2006 01:30 AM
