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April 24, 2006
My Green Onion Was On Steroids
Last year I planted green onions in our back yard. If this sounds impressive...it wasn't. I just let the leftover ends of store-bought green onions soak in some water to kick-start the roots and then shoved the little guys into the ground.
They've always been hearty fellows. I had a continuous supply of green onions all fall and winter long. Then, earlier this spring, I noticed something unusual: one of the plants was getting bigger. Not just growing new, slender shoots, mind you. He was increasing significantly in height and girth.
At first I wondered... steroids? But I couldn't believe that such a fresh, green thing would dabble in something so dangerous. Then, other things started to happen. His face started to swell; if he had a voice it probably would have started squeaking; other bulges developed.
I tried to talk to it. I tried to tell him that it wasn't worth the personal risk just to be the biggest green onion in the garden. "You weren't meant to be this big," I told him. But he ignored me...and kept growing.
Then, the mood swings started. I woke up one morning and he had tipped dangerously low to the right. I tried to straighten him out, as best I could, but he just overcompensated and swung to the left. I told him he needed to think about seeing a counselor.
It was too late.
Last night, we found him, collapsed, broken by his own unnatural size.
So... then we took a lot of pictures, used roughly one-sixteenth of him in an omelet, and plunked the remaining trunk into a waterbottle. Steroids get you nowhere, kids.
September 2005-April 2006.
Carefully Dramatized Life Accounts , Domestic , Grub , Small, Shiny Things , Writing | By elissa | 06:40 PM
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Comments
He was such a promising young onion, too. Life be rough in the dirty, dirrrty dirt.
Posted by: Noel at April 25, 2006 09:49 AM
holy cow!
Posted by: hannah s. at April 25, 2006 10:59 AM
oooh... it's another long skinny thing
Posted by: ryan at April 25, 2006 11:23 AM
ryan, yes. i think that's why i feel his demise so strongly.
Posted by: elissa at April 25, 2006 01:02 PM
With a little thread and a few notched arrows, that onion could pass for an elfin weapon.
Posted by: funke at April 25, 2006 01:51 PM
